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Post by barrumundi on Sept 19, 2015 9:52:25 GMT -5
1.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars, and watch 'em slow down!
2.
On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!
3.
Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5.
Sing along at The Opera.
6.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7.
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the Car Park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8.
Tell your children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....
9.
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite:
10.
Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!
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Post by gallito on Sept 19, 2015 13:17:02 GMT -5
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Post by gallito on Sept 19, 2015 13:19:43 GMT -5
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
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Post by elsoachuno on Sept 21, 2015 21:34:03 GMT -5
Socially Unacceptable Humour , So no laughing !
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to St Vinnie’s to get all of her clothes back.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophile but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A mate of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway
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